Throwback Thursday: Blow by Blow II

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I’m at a table with Ran-asshole while Ms. Sam is drunkenly serenading us with Sex Shooter. Apollonia would be so proud. Maybe it’s the dire hard Prince fan in me but I love this song. Not sure if I love who’s singing karaoke to this particular version, though. After the Cheesecake Factory, all three of us piled into Randall’s Hummer and drove to a dive bar down the street to continue our newfound “friendship.”


Meanwhile, Randall is lovingly admiring Sam. It’s actually endearing to see him be so enchanted with her. I totally understand why he’s an actor now; he can play the role of loving, attentive partner and cheating bastard with amazing fluidity. “She’s amazing, isn’t she?” He asks.

She’s amazingly naïve is my thought. “She sure is.”

Randall scoots his chair a little closer towards me and on instinct, I scoot a little farther from him. It’s our version of Musical Chairs. Without even taking his eyes off Sam, he whispers to me. “I meant every word I said, Maria.”

I nod and clap my hands to Sam’s performance as I mouth the lyrics. The last thing I need is for her to be suspicious about what’s going on. Ran-asshole isn’t going to fuck up my enjoyment of classic Prince. “I know you did.”

“Aren’t you going to say anything?” He prods. Wow, someone’s fishing.

“What do you want me to say, Keith?” I keep clapping and hollering at Sam. She’s pointing at Randall and gyrating her hips with wild abandonment. She’s actually quite the entertainment.

I feel him lean closer to me and his lips tickle my earlobe. My stomach is twisted in tight knots and my panties just got uncomfortably damp. I remember how his lips would dive into my honey and suck my pearl before his tongue would flick back and forth on it. Oh yeah, I taught him how to eat pussy. He’s still not that great at it, but he’s getting there. “At least let me know how you feel.”

Oh, I’m feeling a certain kind of way right now. After Sam finished the song, I stand up and applaud her. Randall follows my lead. “I’ll show you in a minute.”

“How was I out there?” Sam asks as she approaches us. “Was I good?”

Awe, she’s adorable. “You were, Sam!” Once again, I flash my plastic-ass smile. My cheeks are starting to hurt from smiling so damn much.

“Did you like my serenade, baby?” She wraps her arms around Randall’s neck and pulled him in for a kiss. I’m a little jealous because I’ve been teaching Ran-asshole kissing lessons and he’s improved. Now Sam is reaping the benefits. Bitch.

“I loved it, baby.” Randall smiles as he felt all over her body. “I can’t wait to kiss your gun tonight.”

Bullshit! You know how men always say women cock block them? Well, guys, here’s one for you: don’t be a wuss to the puss. We don’t like talk and no action. Randall kissing Sam’s gun? Yeah, right. He ain’t going to kiss shit.

Sam breaks away from Randall long enough to get some air. “Maria, it’s your turn!” She giggles. “Show me what you got!”

I have the perfect song for this little situation. Randall wants to know how I’m feeling and I’m about to let him know in not-so subtle terms. I smile and walk on the stage. I choose a song and sway to the music. What I’m doing is bold and could cost me my job at SBG. But do you honestly think I give a fuck right now? Not really. Clearing my throat slightly, I begin my special version of “Darling Nikki”—except I call it Bastard Randall.

I knew a boy named Randall
I guess u could say he was a sex fiend
I met him in a hotel room
And he was playing with his wedding ring
He said how’d u like to waste some time
And I could not resist when I saw Randall grind

The crowd loves my performance. Sam is smiling and clapping, totally having a great time. And Randall? Well, he’s stuck on stupid. He doesn’t know how to act and the motherfucker looks like he’s about to jump out of his chair and bolt. But you’re not going to do shit, are you bastard? Nope, not going to do shit. And with that, I continue with my serenade.

He then took off his pants
And I just couldn’t believe my eyes
His dick was so big and pussy was
Everything that money could buy
I said sign your name on the dotted line
The lights went out
And me and Randall started 2 grind

So picture this: I’m on a karaoke stage, pretty much telling Sam that I just fucked her fiancée and she’s so drunk, she thinks it’s a clever song. Meanwhile, Randall is pursing his lips together because he knows what I’m doing.

As always, there’s a lesson to be learned: you break my heart and I’ll embarrass your stupid ass in public. Ask Johnny, he’ll tell you. After my performance, I get cheers and shouts for encores. I never knew I could love “Darling Nikki” so much.

Life is a lot easier to deal with when you’re blasted.


Blow by Blow II is available NOW at Amazon, Smashwords, and Barnes & Noble.

The third and final part in the trilogy will be out later this spring.

In memoriam:


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