The Art of Anal with Rachel Miller

Hello Everyone,

I’ve been hinting at a guest blogger for the longest time and well, I can officially stop fucking with your feelings. Introducing the lovely and ever-so talented, Rachel Miller of Reigniting Romance. Over the next few weeks, she’s going to give tips, suggestions, and even personal recommendations on the art of anal sex. Men, take notes and ask questions to her if you like. Ladies, feel free to share other tips as well.

And with that, I’ll let Rachel take the floor


Slipping In & Out the Backdoor: Anal Sex 101

So you think you’re ready to engage in a little back door partying huh? Awesome!

Ladies, I think you’ll be surprised at how enjoyable it can be. Guys, I say can be because if not done properly not only can it be unpleasant, it can be downright painful!

Which brings me to the first thing you need to know about anal sex,

if it hurts, STOP!

Remember, there is a difference between pain and just discomfort or unfamiliarity, pay attention and be aware of what you are really feeling. Discomfort or unfamiliarity can be worked through, pain should not be. If it hurts you’re doing it wrong or you’re not ready. This is why I recommend that people avoid using products that numb your anal opening. You need to be able to feel what is happening.

Anal sex should be approached like all other sexual play, as fun with plenty of foreplay and lots of communication. And like any other form of sex it is usually better with someone you trust and can relax with.

Relaxation is key to pleasurable butt sex!

Your anus is a tension zone. That means if you’re stressed, nervous or uptight the likely hood of you being able to dive right into enjoyable anal sex is slim to none. Learning to relax your sphincter muscles takes time and is often best done alone at first. Try inserting a finger yourself during a shower or while masturbating. If that is successful and comfortable graduate to a slim butt plug. Be sure before using any sex toy anally that all rough edges have been filed smooth (personally I prefer glass or stainless steel for anal play) and that the toy you are using is flared at the base or has a ring to help you remove it. If it doesn’t it was not intended to be put in your butt so don’t put it there!! If you do anyway don’t call me when it gets sucked up inside and you have to go to the emergency room to have it removed.

Think I’m joking? Ask any emergency room nurse and I promise you he/she will have a story about some random object that had to be surgically removed from someone’s ass!

Anal toys can also start small at the top and gradually get larger. Using fingers or anal sex toys first will help train the sphincter muscles to relax thus making inserting a penis when you’re ready much less uncomfortable.

Lube is not optional!

And no spit is NOT lube! Nice try guys. A good quality lube is a must for any back door action. Butts, unlike vaginas, do not self lubricate! And no, women don’t have adequate vaginal lubrication for anal play, plus you NEVER want to take anything, not even a finger, from her butt and put into her vagina!! Women don’t like extra trips to their gynecologists which is what they’ll be making if you make that mistake.

I have found that silicone lubes (Sliquid Silver is my fave) seem to work best since they last longer but use whatever you prefer. There are even lubes specifically designed for anal sex if you’re in the market for something new.

Skimping in the lube or foreplay departments will almost always lead to permanent locking of the back door gentlemen so pay close attention to both if your lady has been generous enough to let you in.

Reapply lube as often as needed during anal sex and remember whenever you are inserting or removing anything from anyone’s butt you need to go slowly!

It’s time to assume the position!

There is no right or wrong position for anal sex but it may help to be aware that the rectum is not a straight canal. It curves and angles so it might take several tries before you find a position that works well for you. This is part of why I recommend trying anal sex at least three times before you decide it’s not your thing.

Guys, this is not the time to try out your favorite porn video positions. Those scenes are staged and the actors prepped way before they yell ‘action’. You want to be realistic, consider both yours and your partners comfort.

Positions where clitoral stimulation is possible are highly recommended since clitoral stimulation during anal play/penetration helps women relax and achieve amazingly intense orgasms.

Talk it out.

Communication is another major piece of the anal play puzzle. You have to be able to talk to your partner about how you’re feeling. If something isn’t working you need to be able to can speak up.

Guys, women need to know that it’s ok to stop if they’re not feeling it that day and you won’t get angry or be disappointed.

Ladies, guys want to know that even if the first time wasn’t a huge success the topic can be revisited at a later date.

Talk it through. Not just during the act itself but also before and after. Know each other’s boundaries and comfort levels at all times. It will make anal sex and all sex for that matter, a more pleasurable experience for both of you.

While this by no means covers everything there is to know about anal play, I hope it’s enough to help you get your own back door party started!


Rachel Miller is executive producer and co-host of “Living With the Lights On,” the leading Internet show on sex, dating and relationships. She helps women to not only talk about sex, but to have better sex, through her “night” job as an Independent Business Associate of For Your Pleasure, Inc. Feel free to contact her at Follow her on Twitter and check out her blog Risqué Business.

6 thoughts on “The Art of Anal with Rachel Miller

  1. IzaakMak says:

    What an excellent post, about a subject lots of people are interested in but are afraid to discuss. And congrats to you Vera, for continuing to, as they say, “bring it!” 😀

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