Sex and the Married Woman: I Need To Stop Watching So Much Porno

So you may have remembered a while back I talked about me and Maks’ not-quite-successful experiment with porn and trying new positions. (See Sex and the Married Woman: Naked Yoga for a  refresher). Well, you know that saying: those who don’t know their history are doomed to repeat it? Uh, yeah. That would be us.

We recently moved into a new home; a two-bedroom, two-bathroom apartment. It’s about twice the space as our first place and of course, a lot of opportunities to have some wild and crazy sex. Our bedroom is nice but when you have the chance to do it in every room, that’s just orgasmic on its own! Yippee-kay-yay, motherfucker! But what happens when you forget how to do something? Like how did it work so wonderfully before but you’re struggling to remember how it went the second go-round? And wait a minute, the back of the sofa isn’t a comfortable resting spot to put my leg up as we try a variation of doggystyle? Get the fuck out of here!

Can someone please tell me I need to stop watching so much damn porn? It’s not helping our sex life.

For some strange reason, I’m becoming less of a fan of having sex in a bed. I don’t know why or even where it came from. All I know is I rather risk getting rug burn on my living room floor than to get freaky in a bed. Maybe marriage made me more adventurous than I expected. Maybe I get so horny, I rather not take the extra few moments to walk to our bedroom when I can take care of business where we are. I say it’s probably a combination of both situations. It tells I’m not a traditional wife and I like to experiment. However, I also need to check myself. Because porn star Tera Patrick can put her entire leg seemingly behind the back of her head with ease, so I should be able to do that, right?

I’ll wait as you stop laughing.

She's my porn idol.

 

My husband and I decided to christen our sofa in our new home. One problem, we forgot exactly how we had sex on it before. The last time we did it on the couch was sometime last year and we both are little fuzzy on exactly when that date was. So we’re thinking, ‘Well, it can’t be too hard. We’ve done it plenty of times on the couch so we should be able to remember!’ Now, age is a funny and tricky thing. Something you do often will suddenly disappear from your train of thought like it never happened! I can’t even begin to tell you how many times I described something as a rectangular-like box with pictures and shows, and it sometimes has a knob. (It’s a TV, in case you’re wondering).

Well, we’re not just a vanilla couple; we both like to spice it up a bit. I’ve been watching a lot of porn lately and got the idea of putting my leg up on the back of the sofa. Now, we don’t have a high sofa; it’s about standard size. In other words, that position was not going to happen without one of us breaking the sofa or breaking our asses. We decided to save our asses. So we tried another position on the sofa and do standard missionary. For whatever reason, we could never get it quite right. We went back to comfortable floor position. My knees have finally recovered.

I never thought I would see the day where porn stars are selling knee pads. Just WOW.

 

So what’s the lesson here, you’re wondering? Well, I need to stop watching so much goddamn porno. But jokes aside, it’s nice to see we’re not so stuck on being traditional that we can laugh at ourselves. Laughing during sex is a nice breaker when you’re focused on getting in and getting off.

And there you have it,

-V.

5 thoughts on “Sex and the Married Woman: I Need To Stop Watching So Much Porno

  1. Chantale Reve says:

    I love your wit, Ms. V. First up, congrats to you and your husband on the new home! Second, great & sexxxy minds think alike, as in: Hmmmm, larger apartment = more chances to experiment nekkid. 😛

    As for porn, without it, size wouldn’t matter for me. I know, I KNOW, an awful thing to say … but I don’t mind a hearty gag now and then. So, yeah, like you, I love the “rug burn look” on the knees. The scars are beginning to superimpose on each other — just as much a porn star look as a gigasmic butterfly tatt on the lower back.

    And laughing during sex is the best, as long as both people (or all three … or four … or the whole darned room of people) are laughing, too.

    So keep watching porn. After all, porn isn’t meant to be instructional; it’s pure entertainment. When I was married and we had our hypothermic-blue moods, viewing porn would break the ice and get the blood flowing in our respective parts again. But there’s nothing like the natural eroticism of a couple drawing them toward each other, and their energies feeding off and building up each other’s.

    These porn DVDs can run four to six hours. That’s a lot of growling, groaning and moaning from a bunch of people who aren’t physically in bed with the couple — married or not. For any of you reading this who are married, non-maritally cohabiting (“shackin’ up”) or just plain strokin’, consider trying this: Mute the sound of your pornos. Perhaps I need to work on my ego, but I don’t want the chicks on the tube screaming louder than I. The looping doesn’t help, either, when it takes some (many?) women close to a half-hour to really get going.

    Last thing: I gotta have that “Porn Star” tee, like, yesterday.

  2. aribchase says:

    Hey baby girl, you know how I feel about porn. It’s one of the best thing ever created, but as I explained in one of my blogs, them girls are trained for the sex olympics. Us normal girls, not so much LOL. Glad to see life as a married woman hasn’t curved that little spicy side of you.

    A.

  3. Ricci says:

    If I get a phone call that you and hubby are in Jail, I’ll help in bond, after laughing my ass off for about an hour……lmao. Great Post, besides porn is awesome, just remember they do that for a living, that’s why there flexible. Question is, how do they keep it spicy if they done everything already???? LMAO

  4. Rincewind says:

    haha, so true this post, there are some weird ass moves me and my then girlfriend tried on and she ended up with her leg cramping and I was stuck in the most akward position. We were there for quite a while laughing our asses off and decided never to try that acrobatic lesson again :)but good to hear that you are still trying out new things, thats the way to go girl.

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