Vera’s Orgasmic Review: Backdoor to Chyna

I love porn. I think it’s awesome. After watching so much porn throughout the years, I’ve developed a preference for the old-school classics. There’s something hot and cheesy about porn made in the 70’s, 80’s and even some 90’s. But every once in a while, I’ll watch a current porn title and I’ll give a review of it.

Now, some of you may know this about me but I used to be a big fan of wrestling. I’m talking WWF/WWE, TNA (well, not really) and even ROH (Ring of Honor). I started my writing career doing wrestling fan fiction so I know who the popular ones are/were. I’m talking names like Triple H, Stone Cold Steve Austin, The Rock aka Dwayne Johnson, and others. So when I heard that former wrestler/current train wreck Chyna was parlaying into porn, I had to step back and go, ‘LOL…wait, what?’

Chyna before the train wreck.

Now Chyna (as that is her official name, not her former one, Joanie Laurer) has had a rough go since her release from the WWE. She’s had a drug problem, ran with a bad crowd, had a private sex tape with an ex-boyfriend (also a former wrestler) released without her consent, and did some reality shows that didn’t portray her in a good light. But it seemed like she was on her way back to the top. She got clean, focused on fitness again and released another bestselling book. And then…I’m not sure what the hell happened.

Chyna now...trainwreck in progress...

Backdoor to Chyna actually came out last year so I’m way late on doing this review. Truth to be told, I didn’t even know she did porn until I heard she was making a parody porn video of her experience in the WWE. Lovely. I’m sure that’s one porn Vince McMahon will not fap to. Anyway, I’m getting off track here. Reading there was yet another porn starring Chyna, I had to find it. And watch it. Why? I don’t know. I guess I was bored.

So I found the porn and watched it. And couldn’t stop watching it. Not because it was great because it wasn’t. It really wasn’t good porn at all. I wasn’t even remotely hot and bothered and my panties were bone dry. I just couldn’t understand why anyone would fuck Chyna. I told my husband I now know what Khloe Kardashian looks like when she has sex.

The porn does boast of one A-list porn star, Evan Stone, who I’m convinced will just fuck anyone at this point in his career. I’m not sure if he actually enjoyed fucking Chyna because he was unusually vocal or he was trying to convince himself she was someone else so it wouldn’t be so bad.

Chyna had a lesbian scene, which was unbelievable and two threesomes (F/M/F and M/F/M) which were a little better. Between the scenes, there were interviews with Chyna about her career in the WWE, upbringing, and her relationship with Triple H (hanging onto the past, much?). Overall, it wasn’t too bad but I wouldn’t recommend it. In fact, I wouldn’t even watch it again. On a scale of 1-5 stars, I would rate this two: one star for the sex and another star for the train wreck. I’m being generous.

And there you have it,

-V.

Vera’s Orgasmic Review: Devil in Miss Jones (1973)

(This is part of the 40 Days of Freakness, Day 5)

This Orgasmic Review is about the 1973 classic cult film, Devil in Miss Jones directed by legendary porn director and screenwriter, Gerard Damiano (Deep Throat). I can honestly say Devil in Miss Jones is a movie that just happens to be pornographic. For a long while, it seemed porn was moving away from telling a story and incorporating sex scenes to just having the hardcore sex appear seemingly out of nowhere. (Two strangers just happened to be stuck in an elevator and what do you know? They start having sex within two minutes. Very anti-climatic).

 

Damiano played non-sexual but memorable roles in Deep Throat and The Devil in Miss Jones

 

 

But let’s go back for a minute, when pornographic films actually had a plot and a storyline. The Devil in Miss Jones stars the ever-so lovely Georgina Spelvin, who was considered to be ‘old’ at the time she starred in the movie (36 years old). She plays Justine Jones, a lonely virgin who is unhappy with her life and commits suicide. She ends up in limbo and meets the Abaca (played by John Clemens). He tells her she doesn’t quite qualify for Heaven but didn’t lead a sinful life enough for Hell, despite committing suicide is an automatic guaranteed trip to Hell. Limbo, indeed.

However, Abaca gives her a chance to experience life as she wanted before she does go to Hell. (Hence the movie tagline, “If you’re going to go to Hell, go for a reason.”) Out of all of seven deadly sins to choose from, Miss Jones chooses lust and thus spends a short time having orgasmic rendezvous. From threesomes to experimentation with objects (a banana? a snake?) to double-penetration, Miss Jones definitely leaves no stone unturned.

Georgina Spelvin just turned 75. She has her own blog and frequently updates it. She is also a retired desktop publisher from the LA Times.

From the direction to the storytelling to the sex scenes to even the (gasp!) acting, it is a classic film in many ways. First, when one watches the movie, you truly forget it’s a pornographic film. The sex scenes are not gratuitous and are simply added to further the storyline. The acting is surprisingly good with each the main characters, Jones, Abaca, and The Teacher (played by Harry Reems) playing their roles to believable perfection. Of course, the only downside I could think of was the lesbian scene, which I felt was too long and pretty boring.

For those who have not seen the film, I will not spoil the ending but let’s say it’s a surprise and fits in perfectly with the story. Hands down, Devil in Miss Jones is the best pornographic film I have ever seen and no amount of sequels and prequels can ever compare. I give this 5/5 stars.

And there you have it,

-V.

 

 

Vera’s Orgasmic Review: Debbie Does Dallas

This Orgasmic Review is about the 1978 pornographic cult-classic Debbie Does Dallas, starring Bambi Woods. It is about a group of local cheerleaders who are supporting Debbie (played by Woods) in inspiring to become a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader. However, she has no money to travel to Dallas and the funds her fellow cheerleaders are giving are not enough. It is not until she is propositioned by one of the local shop owners, Mr. Greenfield (played by Richard Balla), to show her boobs to him in exchange for money that Debbie realizes what she can do to get to Dallas.

Let’s be clear on one thing before I continue: Debbie Doesn’t Do Dallas. In fact, Debbie doesn’t do anyone from Dallas or even Houston for that matter. I’m assuming the title is a play on what Debbie has to do to get to Dallas. Now I understand this movie is considered a classic so I’ll keep that in mind. However, maybe it’s because I am such a fan of Gerard Damiano’s works that I had a hard time getting ‘into’ this movie. I know it’s sounds weird for someone to ‘get into’ a porn, but hear me out. Although, the sex scenes were nothing to write home about, the creativity is killer. After all, the masturbation scene involving a candle is pretty damn creative.

The one thing filmmaker Jim Clark and screenwriter Maria Minestra are good with is they don’t add gratuitous sex scenes for the sake of making porn. Every sex scene furthers the story along and shows what the girls are trying to do to help Debbie with her goal. That right there is an example of classic storytelling. However, with some good, there is some bad. The story drags on much longer than it should. For example, there is dialogue that doesn’t pertain to the storyline whatsoever and some sex scenes were just a little too long in my opinion. It does seem like a few of the scenes were in a constant loop. Not sure if that is true or not so you might have to see for yourself.

Woods made sequels to Debbie Does Dallas and seemingly fell off the radar. She is alive and well but living nicely in seclusion.

However, the big no-no is the editing. The editing is something short of horrendous and does take away from the quality of the movie. There is a scene where a cheerleader is clearly waiting for her cue to start walking and that is just one of a few fucking awful editing mistakes. I made a comment on twitter I couldn’t tell if Debbie Does Dallas was supposed to arouse me to give me LOL’z.

Overall, it’s a decent movie but I’m hesitant to recommend it to anyone. The storyline is classic and the sex scenes are pretty good. But it’s not a movie I’ll keep in my arsenal of porno. Out of five stars, I’ll give it 2 1/2.

And there you have it,

-V.

Vera’s Orgasmic Review: Deep Throat (1972)

Deep Throat, starring the ever-talented (she is, believe me) Linda Lovelace, is an adult pornographic film that came out back in 1972. It is widely known and respected as the first adult film to be shown in theaters and the mainstream. Although the movie is pornographic, it is also an accidental comedy with bits of humor thrown in.

Now that little history lesson is out of the way, let’s get to the good stuff.

Deep Throat is about a woman named Linda (Lovelace) who is struggling to find that earth-shattering ‘O’ moment. You know what I’m talking about: the seeing stars, hearing bells and whistles, and floating in the sky moment. Sure, she’s had plenty of partners and gets off quite easily, but that’s not what she wants. She wants the moment of orgasmic delight. After going through a gang-bang, Linda is frustrated and sees a sex therapist (played by the equally talented Harry Reems) who tells her what her problem is. It turns out her clit is actually in the back of her throat and she would need to get it stimulated in order to feel the fireworks she craves. Thus begins Linda’s quest.

Reems examining Lovelace's Holy Grail

Gerard Damiano, who directed this movie as well as the other classic, The Devil in Miss Jones, has an interesting style of filmmaking. While it is crystal clear he is directing porn, Damiano makes a point to tell a story, as if the sex is justified by the storyline. To his credit, it is brilliant filmmaking and something today’s porn directors should take note. Deep Throat does have a lot of sex, but the scenes further the storyline regarding Linda’s quest to satisfy her orgasmic needs. For an example, once Linda saw the sex therapist, she begins to work for him and practice on his clients. Her progress becomes increasingly better throughout the short movie and as a result, Linda is happier. It is great storytelling.

However, with the wonderful storytelling, there is a downside. Although the movie was made back in the early 70s, there is an apparent cheesiness factor to it. For example, when Linda does finally have her ‘O’ moment she’s been longing for, there are splices of fireworks, bells ringing, and even a rocket ship blasting. I see what Damiano was trying to say and do when he incorporated all of that, but I also feel it was a bit too much. It wasn’t that he did it once; Damiano incorporated the scenes each and every time Linda got off—which was a lot!

Damiano played non-sexual but memorable roles in Deep Throat and The Devil in Miss Jones

Overall, I recommend this movie. For the men, it has a lot of blow job action which is good. For the ladies, it has a lot of blow job action, which if you need some help or practice, I highly recommend! Damiano was a brilliant porn director and I can see why this movie is a classic.